A Letter to My Eating Disorder

Dear Ana,

I love you so much and hate you at the same time.

I love the way you make me feel.

So relaxed like I could just melt into the floor.

But also so exhausted that I could die. I could just lay here & transcend my body into some alternative reality. Far, far past my somatic hunger and the faint dizziness and the cold feet and fingers. I am ethereal.

I love how good you make that one piece of chocolate taste, how delicious each bite is, how I can savor and long for it for hours, days, and it makes it so much more worth it when you allow me to have it.

You are my best friend, Ana.

You make me feel like I could do anything, because I can do everything - while starving.

I can only do it because you’re right by my side. Cheering me on. Forever & always.

I love how you make it so that when I run my hands over my body, there is nothing but skin and bone. Taut. Tight. Not a drop of fat. Nothing to pull on. No insecurities to pull apart.

I love how you are so stunning and shocking that everyone looks at you. They can see you perpetually by my side, never going anywhere. Everyone wants to ask about you. But they are too scared to. You are too intimidating. That’s how beautiful you are.

I pale in comparison to you. I am nothing without you. Worthless.

But I also fucking hate you.

I hate the way you make me miss out on things. on climbing. on friends. on events. on life.

I hate the way you whisper in my ear all the time, no matter what I am doing.

You are so negative.

You never have anything nice to say.

I am never enough for you. Nothing ever is.

I used to think I could just bring you along anyway. But you have become more and more demanding.

You call all the shots, make all the decisions now. You always get what you want.

I used to think we wanted the same things. That we could help each other.

You promised I would feel in control, that I would feel powerful.

But you don’t make me feel powerful anymore, not like you used to.

You make me feel weak.

And you make me feel even worse when I try to get rid of you.

How can I abandon my best friend?

You would never abandon me.

You took my hair, my clothes, my motivation to do anything but keep you happy.

You took my warmth, my fertility, my confidence.

You stole my muscles and my energy.

Who am I without you?

We have been intertwined so long I forgot.  

You borrowed my hobbies and passions, promising to give them back once we made it. But whenever I think that we have made it, you say we have a little further to go.

I’m starting to think we will never make it.

Ana, you promised to keep me safe. In return for all you demanded.

You promised a sense of control, a feeling of security.

But am I safe? Am I in control?

It doesn’t feel like it anymore.

Not when my my blood sugar drops & I fall to the floor unconscious,

hot blood spilling out of my head onto the cold hardwood floor,

and no one is around to notice.

It doesn’t feel like it when I go to sleep wondering if I will wake up,

or if my heart will stop in the middle of the night

and I won’t.

Will we have made it then?  

Is that finally enough for you?

Is all that you promised simply an illusion?

What if I were to give up this sense of control? The feeling of security? The illusion of safety?

Love,

We can do things even when we are afraid